the biz rambles

Ok, this is my blog, right?  I can just lay my cards on the table here, right?

I don’t know about you, but I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at 35.  When I was 25, I actually had my shit together.  Oops, sorry for cussing, Mom.  It just seemed appropriate.  Well, it might not have been completely together, but it was WAY more together than it is now.  So, here I am at 35.  Without going into the melodramatic detail of exactly where IT is, I feel like I’m basically living at home with my parents.  At 35.  Geographically, I’m not living at home with my parents.  But, for all intents and purposes, that’s what it feels like.  I am working a part-time job that basically pays for me to drive to said part-time job and eat.  If you asked me what I’d DO in life if given a million dollars, I’d stare at you blankly and probably run away.  The only things I’ve actually figured out as of late are the whole exercise/eating healthy thing and that I’m in love with the only person I could ever imagine being in love with (that would be Andy, if you’ve never met him).

So, here I am.  Completely stressed and anxietied out over the whole financial situation I’ve managed to get myself into at this point in my life.  Fortunately for me, I have amazing family and friends who have decided to surround me and love me and not abandon me like they probably should.  I have parents who support me and don’t turn their backs on me, even though they most definitely should just cut me off and let me go to jail.  I have friends who give me solid advice and want to see me excel and jump into the life God has designed for me.

And that’s where I find myself today.  Standing at the intersection of what is, what could be and what it is I need to do.  There are some tough decisions I need to make…and, truthfully, I have NO idea what those decisions even ARE.  That’s the hard part.  If someone said to me, “Michele, you need to do this, this and this,” I would do THIS, THIS and THIS and suck it up.  But, I don’t even know what THIS is yet.  And, before you throw 10,000 ideas my way of what THIS is, trust me when I tell you that I’ve thought of 10,0001 and probably tried 1/2 of them.  And yet, here I am.  Back in this vicious circle.

So, I am going to take a good friend’s advice and take a few days and get away.  Get away from anything and everything that seems to distract me from hearing God.  I am SO guilty of listening to everyone and everything BUT God because I’m scared of what He is going to tell me.  What if he says do THIS.  What if he says do THAT.  And what if I think I can’t?!  The bottom line is…I haven’t been able to do it yet, on my own.  So, when do I stop running and try and do it HIS way?  Seems so VBS and simple when I put it that way, yet I’ve been running from it for years.

My getaway?  Indigo and I are going camping.  Yeah, it’s going to be hot as doo doo.  And, no, I’m not roughing it beyond sleeping in the back of my Element in the woods.  But, yes…I will probably build a fire and I will probably cook a hot dog or two (or 5) over that fire.  There will be no computer, no phone (other than to have my GPS on so Andy doesn’t have to worry about finding my body should I die from heat exhaustion), nothing beyond my Bible, my notebook, my dog, my shoes and a few long hikes through the woods to clear my mind and be attentive.  I will be a sweaty mess of disgustingness and I am going to cherish every second of it.

I’m not expecting to come back after a couple of days with an entire transcript documenting the end to all of my financial and other woes, but I am prayerfully hopeful and expectant of a change of perspective.  I am open to what God has to show me, what He has to teach me, what He has to tell me.