Some days.

September 1st, 2010 Posted in God, faith, life
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Some days are just harder than others.  They can start out great, but then something happens…and, well, you know.  We all have those days.  Why is it so easy to let Satan steal our joy?  Because, let’s be honest, we LET him.  It’s our choice to continuously be joyful in the Lord.  And not only is it our choice, we are commanded to do so. It is frustrating to me that I am so quickly turned against joy and turned to fear, anger, mistrust, self-doubt, worthlessness…the list goes on and on.  It is so easy to focus on the negative and so hard to focus on the positive.

The fault is my own.  Regardless of the situation, the circumstances that caused my day to turn so abruptly…when it comes down to it, I make the choice to respond in the manner in which I do.  And today, I chose to respond poorly.  I gave in to self-pity and self-doubt.  ”Woe is me” seemed like an easier route to take.  And Satan said, “You are right.”  That’s all he had to say.  I was already on board with the pity party.

I’m frustrated because I know better.  I’m frustrated because I’ve gone through enough crap in life to understand that crap happens in life and things don’t always work out the way I want them to.  Most of the time, it’s usually for my good, anyway, and I come out on the other side a better, stronger, more loving, generous and gracious person.  God has never failed me and I know He won’t fail me in today.  So, I am finding humility in accepting that I failed and admitting I need God’s grace more than ever right now.  And, to be honest, I need His grace more than ever in this season of life.  It hasn’t been easy and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it’s there, but I’m pretty stuck in the muck of the cave at this point.

“O most blessed Grace, that makes the poor in spirit rich in virtues, and makes the wealthy humble of heart! Come, descend upon me, fill me with your comfort, lest my soul faint from weariness and dryness of mind. I beseech You, O Lord, that I may find grace in your sight (Gn 18:3), for your grace is sufficient for me (2 Co 12:9) even if I never obtain anything which my nature desires. If I am tempted and tried I will fear no evil as long as Your grace is with me. Your grace is my strength, my counsel and my help. She is more powerful than all my enemies and wiser than all the wise. She is the mistress of truth, the teacher of discipline: the light of the heart, the comforter in affliction. She banishes sorrow, expels fears, nurses devotion, produces tears of repentance. What am I without her but a piece of dry timber or a withered stump, fit for nothing but to be cast into the fire (Jn 15:6).

Grant therefore, O Lord, that Your grace will always go before me and follow men, keeping me ever intent upon good works, through Jesus Christ Your Son. Amen.” ~ Thomas a Kempis, (Imitation of Christ, Book II, Chapter 55)

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follow-up to camping

July 13th, 2010 Posted in God, life, perspective
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So, I went camping.  It lasted a little over 24 hours before I got completely rained on and rained out.  Normally the rain wouldn’t bug me, but having Indigo with me and sleeping in my Element made it a bit challenging in the sense that I would have to spend most of the evening and night with a wet, muddy large dog sleeping (ie, snuggling) next to me.  And, to top it off, my food and firewood got rained on.  I was preparing my food and fire and the sky opened up it’s rainy goodness upon my head.  Oh well.  The 24 hours I had were good.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I didn’t expect to have a gigantic revelation.  And I didn’t, not really.  I did, however, come to realize that I have really diluted or polluted (take your pick) God’s calling on my life.  It’s like I knew what that was at one point, yet it’s just a shadow of something now.  I am glad that I am finally starting to realize that and, at the same time, I’m a bit disconcerted by that.  I have always prided myself on being able to go where I thought God was leading.  Guess that was my problem.  PRIDE.

So, here I am.  Beginning to peel back the layers that have piled themselves on…or that I’ve managed to pile on.  And, I am still no closer to knowing what to do regarding my whole financial situation.  I do, however, have some thoughts and feelings about it all now.  And I think they are starting to streamline a bit.  In my world, that means movement and decision.  The hard part is actually MAKING the move and decision.  Following through and not just continuing to think about it over and over.

Have you ever had that feeling that you knew you needed to act on something but just didn’t know how or didn’t necessarily want to because it would impact others beyond just yourself?  That’s where I am now.  No matter what steps I take, I am impacting a larger circle than just my own.  That’s hard for me.  But, I know I need to take steps to be responsible and take care of myself.  Vague, I know.  Sorry.

So, not really anything new to report at this point.  Andy and I are going to my parents house this weekend for my family reunion and I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days and gaining some perspective on life.  Plus, spending 12 hours in the car with him and three dogs will definitely take my mind off anything else going on in my world. :O)

More to follow, I’m sure…

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when life hands you lemons, go camping.

July 8th, 2010 Posted in God, faith, life, perspective
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Ok, this is my blog, right?  I can just lay my cards on the table here, right?

I don’t know about you, but I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at 35.  When I was 25, I actually had my shit together.  Oops, sorry for cussing, Mom.  It just seemed appropriate.  Well, it might not have been completely together, but it was WAY more together than it is now.  So, here I am at 35.  Without going into the melodramatic detail of exactly where IT is, I feel like I’m basically living at home with my parents.  At 35.  Geographically, I’m not living at home with my parents.  But, for all intents and purposes, that’s what it feels like.  I am working a part-time job that basically pays for me to drive to said part-time job and eat.  If you asked me what I’d DO in life if given a million dollars, I’d stare at you blankly and probably run away.  The only things I’ve actually figured out as of late are the whole exercise/eating healthy thing and that I’m in love with the only person I could ever imagine being in love with (that would be Andy, if you’ve never met him).

So, here I am.  Completely stressed and anxietied out over the whole financial situation I’ve managed to get myself into at this point in my life.  Fortunately for me, I have amazing family and friends who have decided to surround me and love me and not abandon me like they probably should.  I have parents who support me and don’t turn their backs on me, even though they most definitely should just cut me off and let me go to jail.  I have friends who give me solid advice and want to see me excel and jump into the life God has designed for me.

And that’s where I find myself today.  Standing at the intersection of what is, what could be and what it is I need to do.  There are some tough decisions I need to make…and, truthfully, I have NO idea what those decisions even ARE.  That’s the hard part.  If someone said to me, “Michele, you need to do this, this and this,” I would do THIS, THIS and THIS and suck it up.  But, I don’t even know what THIS is yet.  And, before you throw 10,000 ideas my way of what THIS is, trust me when I tell you that I’ve thought of 10,0001 and probably tried 1/2 of them.  And yet, here I am.  Back in this vicious circle.

So, I am going to take a good friend’s advice and take a few days and get away.  Get away from anything and everything that seems to distract me from hearing God.  I am SO guilty of listening to everyone and everything BUT God because I’m scared of what He is going to tell me.  What if he says do THIS.  What if he says do THAT.  And what if I think I can’t?!  The bottom line is…I haven’t been able to do it yet, on my own.  So, when do I stop running and try and do it HIS way?  Seems so VBS and simple when I put it that way, yet I’ve been running from it for years.

My getaway?  Indigo and I are going camping.  Yeah, it’s going to be hot as doo doo.  And, no, I’m not roughing it beyond sleeping in the back of my Element in the woods.  But, yes…I will probably build a fire and I will probably cook a hot dog or two (or 5) over that fire.  There will be no computer, no phone (other than to have my GPS on so Andy doesn’t have to worry about finding my body should I die from heat exhaustion), nothing beyond my Bible, my notebook, my dog, my shoes and a few long hikes through the woods to clear my mind and be attentive.  I will be a sweaty mess of disgustingness and I am going to cherish every second of it.

I’m not expecting to come back after a couple of days with an entire transcript documenting the end to all of my financial and other woes, but I am prayerfully hopeful and expectant of a change of perspective.  I am open to what God has to show me, what He has to teach me, what He has to tell me.

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