the biz rambles

Have you ever had those moments in life where you think, “What is God teaching me, showing me, causing me to grow in right now?”  Well, that’s where I am right now.  For the past few months, I’ve really struggled with the answer.  It was as if God wasn’t doing anything.  But, I know that it’s not a matter of God not doing anything…it’s a matter of me dropping my walls and actively pursuing Him.  He is always doing something.  I just choose to either ignore it or act as if I’m too good to figure it out.  Sometimes I just want to kick myself!

So, all that to say…I have finally started stripping away the layers that have kept me from KNOWING and pursuing God.  And notice that I said “started”.  It’s definitely a process.  I’m a pretty stubborn person!

Here’s the thing I’m starting to process through:  I have always been a fairly trusting person.  I’m able to generally trust people and take them at their word and I’ve always been able to trust that God knows what’s going on in my life.  Lately, though, I’ve been really struggling with placing my trust in God.  In fact, I would dare say that I have been completely relying on myself and have lost all trust in God.  *GASP.  *EEEK.   *Children running and screaming.

I don’t think it was a conscious thing that I placed my trust solely in myself.  I think it was the product of a lackadaisical attitude towards the pursuit of God and His pursuit of me.  It seems pretty easy to say, “God is awesome.  He has everything in His hands.  Yada yada yada.”, yet not so easy to actively jump in His arms on a daily (or minutely) basis.  Thus, I slowly started relying on what I was doing, who I was with and my previous attitude of trust to be my guide.  And thus, I ended up where I am…wondering how to get back to trusting Him in all I am, all I do, all I hope and dream…ALL I AM.  I know it’s not a change of heart that will take place overnight, but it IS a change of heart that I have to make.  I am going to be digging deeper into the Word, pursuing an active relationship with a mentor and whatever else it takes.

Thoughts?